Cleaning...

... my room, and finding ancient sketches from a time where I still had fun drawing. Mounds of old, dusty drawings came out of the woodwork. Some good, most of them were bad, and some of them told me things that I'd forgotten I could do ("Hey, I used to be good with pencil! Whaddayaknow!" "Ooh, look, watercolour, haven't used that in ages!"). Either way, they all dated back to when I still used to draw for fun - with the most recent ones being from my first year at the Rits. And they sorta gave me a boost to get going again, and to try and rediscover what I found fun about drawing and painting in the first place. So I spent some time cleaning up an old, battered concept sketch from my first year in animation. Watercolours, coloured pencils, and most of all no skill whatsoever in lighting, perspective or colour selection. But I had some fun with it, and that's what counts. So, before and after:

He's gone.

After several weeks of watching him deteriorate with every passing day, I decided to let Boris go to sleep. It was one of the hardest decisions I ever took, and I'm gonna miss him terribly. He was affectionate, sweet, and a constant source of comfort and entertainment during the three years I had him. I can't imagine a better pet, and I can only hope he thought the same of me as his owner.

Sleep tight, ratball. You rocked.

What a waste

Well, my fears turned out to be justified. The external jury didn't care one jot for my short film, and pretty much tore apart every single aspect of it.

- Animation? Too limited (I can agree with that - I found myself severely restricted by the cut-out medium).
- Graphic style? Too messy (funny, since my original style was a lot cleaner, but my teachers told me to "dirty it up").
- Story? Too shallow (again, original story was a lot more elaborate, but... well, make a guess).

In short, I don't think that diploma will be coming my way. Which means I pretty much wasted five years of my life on a course that managed to destroy my self-esteem in nearly every area. I don't draw anymore, I don' t write anymore, I don't even dare to work on ideas I have anymore. I think I'll take a long break from all things creative, find myself a job that has nothing to do with art, animation or drawing whatsoever, and see if one day the urge returns on its own.

A fair warning for everyone out there who likes drawing. If you're thinking of studying animation, make sure you're a genuine prodigy. Make sure you're GOOD. Don't be "okay". Don't be someone of limited skill. You won't survive. They'll tear every single thing you think you're good at apart, and leave you with nothing but the feeling that you were just lying to yourself about your capabilities. Enjoy your art as a hobby. Do it for yourself. It's what I intend to do from now on.

Needless to say, I won't be placing my short film online. It can rot away on the school's hard drive for all I care.

Bitter? Me? How'd you guess?